The 4th Chapter

And there was this nagging sullen desperate utterly unquenchable need to be accepted and not judged, always in the background. I had recently become aware of the absolute dearth of positive self-talk happening in my mind and the incapacitating availability of its opposite. I haven't always had this anxiety, and it's hard to pin-point its catalyst. There is definite involvement with the relationship with RS because of how failingly toxic that entire ordeal was, the inculcation of a sense of worthlessness, and how broken and unable to fix myself I became. I am still healing from that relationship, in many ways. I have strength where I didn't used to when it comes to standing up for myself within a relationship, being authentically me and not settling for anything that falls short of that, but there is still so much work to be done on a professional interpersonal level, and I feel like I have only scratched the surface. And even before that, the way you withdraw into yourself when you've been left, the defense mechanisms that you create to pretend you don't feel as though you've been abandoned, unlovable. What does anxiety feel like? It is this gripping autonomic reaction feeding you constant implicit meanings like a ticker-tape directly in your brain that you are defective, worthless, unlovable, incompetent, and so forth. And the physical reaction to the fear (shortness of breath, tachycardia) serves to reinforce the thoughts and it becomes this vicious circle. To understand how one can simultaneously feel so confident and sure of them-self in one regard -- counseling teens, being awesome at my job and an awesome human being -- and so utterly prostratingly full of self-doubt in another -- speaking publicly, in a professional setting, the potential for judgment -- no, it is ineffable.

It is such a sloppy thing, to be human. There is work to be done, and I have no doubt that one day (soon) I will reread this post and just want to wrap the me typing it up into the biggest hug and remind her how strong we are, how we broke through the fear, how we are an unstoppable force. I can remember a time when it wasn't this way. I know there will be this cathartic breakthrough and I will feel so authentically myself, and so comfortable in that. And I will be able to feel, deep within myself and down to my toes, that the acceptance I need most importantly is from myself. And I will be able to give it and to receive.