A Cry From The Cold Black Void...
Fighting it, the depression. The wake has not subsided as quickly as first I thought, even with the irrefutable knowledge that lies and deceit were the first ingredients in her recipe to oust me. My feelings about all of this sway to opposite poles from one minute to the next. "It's insurmountable and you'll only come out a fool, emily! Why get yourself tangled up." But I am already tangled up. And the next minute, "everything is easily verified, it's truth, you have simply got to shine light into the black hole of all of this. Former employees who can echo your experience are already contacting you, and they have nothing to gain." And I feel my heart sink a little at these moments, because I know that despite how much this muck-raking and fact finding gives me an ulcer, despite how much I absolutely loathe being the one to hold ugliness up and call everyone's attention to it, I know that this is what I have to do; there's nothing for it but to plunge ahead, ulcer and all.
On the porch my dad said to me, "you've got the Jindra spirit, kid." At times it is a pestilence.
All of my hopes for what life could be feel so laughable. My spirit is so incredibly torn asunder, I feel like I'm seeing the world through Diane Arbus' eyes. I feel like I'll never work again, that I'll never have anything worthwhile to contribute, that I'm crazy and that it's all for nothing. That the thought of making money off of my photography is childish because I couldn't even hack it at a job as straight-forward as this one. God damn these negative thought patterns. That all of this is the result of a conversation about a database is enough to make my gouge my eyes out and flay my own hide, so that I no longer have the ability to experience the absolutely ridiculous level of ugliness that human beings are capable of.
Never fear consequences; hate regrets more than apologies. Be honest, and without malice, and painstakingly deliberate in what you say and how you say it.
I was "laid off" on Thursday morning. The reason that I was given was that the board at my agency decided that there wasn't enough money in the budget to continue to fund my position. My boss broke the news to me; during the meeting in which I was given this news, my boss had a script in her lap from which she read word for word, never making eye contact with me. She was shaking with nervousness and her voice quivered the entire time.
This of itself was hard to take. It gives me a month to find a job with benefits in the county whose unemployment rate is vying for the #1 spot in the country.
The next day I was anonymously given the document that said boss had presented to the board members who supposedly decided to can my job the day before she had her scripted meeting with me. This document slanders my name and my work ethic to the board, and shows that my boss lied to her own board of directors about my work record and attitude in order to be rid of me. And that also she lied to me about the reasoning; the board had nothing to do with it, nor did the budget.
What's interesting is that two weeks ago I finally told her, in a civilized manner and without malice (and in the proper venue -- a small meeting between she and I and one other staff member) that her supervisory style often left me feeling belittled and abused, and that I and many other staff members felt as though our ideas were given little to no clout on the rare occasions that they were entertained at all. I said these things to her from the standpoint of making our working relationship better (I'm the associate director here, for god's sakes! Shouldn't we be able to have a civilized conversation about these things without fear of reprisal? Isn't that why they call this country America, and not, say, Myanmar??), and invited her to add her own concerns. She added none. I was raised to believe that if you're having a problem with someone it can be worked out as long as you're considerate, respectful, and human. O! Let us appraise with clear heads the extent of my innocence. She didn't want to work anything out or even admit that there could be validity in what I was saying; I was a cancer, and she needed to root my out, and she would use whatever means necessary to do so, even if it meant stringing together a pack of lies.
Up until this meeting in which I laid out my concerns, I was assured on a regular basis that my employment here would continue for as long as I wanted it to, funding cuts or no. I find it strange that only two weeks after this meeting, all of a sudden what she has been assuring me of all along has changed. That suddenly there's just no money and no recourse. Sorry, nice knowing you, have a nice day. I feel crazy; I've never been in a situation like this before. To have a boss who would not only lie to you about why you're being laid off, but who would lie to her board of directors, who are her supervisors about why she's decided to get rid of a permanent staff member. To slander this staff member's name solely to maintain her own frightened ego. The board needs to know about all of this.
If anyone out there has any advice about how to deal with a situation like this, PLEASE, please, let me know.
On the porch my dad said to me, "you've got the Jindra spirit, kid." At times it is a pestilence.
All of my hopes for what life could be feel so laughable. My spirit is so incredibly torn asunder, I feel like I'm seeing the world through Diane Arbus' eyes. I feel like I'll never work again, that I'll never have anything worthwhile to contribute, that I'm crazy and that it's all for nothing. That the thought of making money off of my photography is childish because I couldn't even hack it at a job as straight-forward as this one. God damn these negative thought patterns. That all of this is the result of a conversation about a database is enough to make my gouge my eyes out and flay my own hide, so that I no longer have the ability to experience the absolutely ridiculous level of ugliness that human beings are capable of.
Never fear consequences; hate regrets more than apologies. Be honest, and without malice, and painstakingly deliberate in what you say and how you say it.
I was "laid off" on Thursday morning. The reason that I was given was that the board at my agency decided that there wasn't enough money in the budget to continue to fund my position. My boss broke the news to me; during the meeting in which I was given this news, my boss had a script in her lap from which she read word for word, never making eye contact with me. She was shaking with nervousness and her voice quivered the entire time.
This of itself was hard to take. It gives me a month to find a job with benefits in the county whose unemployment rate is vying for the #1 spot in the country.
The next day I was anonymously given the document that said boss had presented to the board members who supposedly decided to can my job the day before she had her scripted meeting with me. This document slanders my name and my work ethic to the board, and shows that my boss lied to her own board of directors about my work record and attitude in order to be rid of me. And that also she lied to me about the reasoning; the board had nothing to do with it, nor did the budget.
What's interesting is that two weeks ago I finally told her, in a civilized manner and without malice (and in the proper venue -- a small meeting between she and I and one other staff member) that her supervisory style often left me feeling belittled and abused, and that I and many other staff members felt as though our ideas were given little to no clout on the rare occasions that they were entertained at all. I said these things to her from the standpoint of making our working relationship better (I'm the associate director here, for god's sakes! Shouldn't we be able to have a civilized conversation about these things without fear of reprisal? Isn't that why they call this country America, and not, say, Myanmar??), and invited her to add her own concerns. She added none. I was raised to believe that if you're having a problem with someone it can be worked out as long as you're considerate, respectful, and human. O! Let us appraise with clear heads the extent of my innocence. She didn't want to work anything out or even admit that there could be validity in what I was saying; I was a cancer, and she needed to root my out, and she would use whatever means necessary to do so, even if it meant stringing together a pack of lies.
Up until this meeting in which I laid out my concerns, I was assured on a regular basis that my employment here would continue for as long as I wanted it to, funding cuts or no. I find it strange that only two weeks after this meeting, all of a sudden what she has been assuring me of all along has changed. That suddenly there's just no money and no recourse. Sorry, nice knowing you, have a nice day. I feel crazy; I've never been in a situation like this before. To have a boss who would not only lie to you about why you're being laid off, but who would lie to her board of directors, who are her supervisors about why she's decided to get rid of a permanent staff member. To slander this staff member's name solely to maintain her own frightened ego. The board needs to know about all of this.
If anyone out there has any advice about how to deal with a situation like this, PLEASE, please, let me know.
2 Comments:
At 10:50 AM,
porfiry said…
Wake up each day with the confidence that you are morally clean. Remember the strength, honor, integrity and unwavering action of your forebears. We are descended from 25 generations of warriors -- when you run into the fray you can never be alone, you have a legion of fellows all around you, ready to throw down on your behalf.
And among them, I am one.
Your enemy is fragmented, scared, corrupted, panicked and above all, alone. She knows that she hasn't got the moral high-ground and the only defense left to her is to lash out like a rat. She has everything to lose.
I am behind you, to the end. So is the rest of your family, and much of the community. This, what you are doing now, is perhaps the greatest service to the community that this agency has ever performed.
Let's be magnificent.
At 12:37 PM,
bava said…
Whatever happens at all happens as it should; thou wilt find this true, if thou shouldst watch narrowly.
M.A. - Meditations. iv. 10.
You must go through this tribulation with the full knowledge that at NO POINT did you fail, in no way is this your fault, and by no means should you have any regrets for anything that has, or will, come from this. You have the strength to be excellent when all is not well, the power to endure the turning of the tides, and the courage to keep swimming until you've reached the shore.
My advice is to take the high ground. Don't look at her as your enemy. Feel compassion for how small her life must be, that she would act so petty. In this way, no matter how the denouement, you will never be brought down to her level, and she will never be able to affect you with her negativity.
Lastly, remember that there are other counties in which you can look for jobs.
Never doubt what you are worth. You have an army of comrades standing behind you, ready to remind you. It is time for Emily, captain of Oberlin, to show her quality.
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