Quid Pro Quo

It's getting easier, to see myself going through with it. Every coin has its other side. I read this line last night: By being too kind I have wasted my life; they called me Saint Emily but that isn't the kind of praise I really wanted. "Why then," I thought, "do you live your entire life in that context?" I thought about Olympia and that night in the hotel room, and how it was hell. The whole next day and how I hated to look into your face. Thought about Lakewood and how I threw the coffee pot, but how I had imagined it hitting you and not the counter. Moving on is not tantamount to healing.

This has not been an easy week and Monday so far is not giving me solace.

My stomach is a pit of fire, brimstone. Why am I even considering making the sacrifice? It is too much to ask. See how the resentment has begun already. Life is the only thing that you have. You can't cut it up and reallocate it with the blind ambition that it will somehow help him. We each have our lives. You should not have to pay for the poor judgement and immaturity of someone else. If you do, you have chosen that for yourself. No one has done it to you. No fear, no regret; resolute action.