When You've Got Family

Irritations just under surface of skin. Constant analyzation and re-analyzation. Like looking around myself 360 to see why I'm a bad person, which part betrayed me, which part I need to flagellate and cast off. The phone makes a sound and my skin prickles. I go into the basement and my chest compresses. Pile of laundry on my closet floor, close my eyes to that room and everything that it entails. He made a jail cell for himself down there, and was sending me the last email from Alcatraz (final rites) when I came home early. I thought about sitting on that barstool in Olympia and how I was crying, how I felt like the loneliest person in the world. I need protection too.

He said to me on the phone, "i feel so lonely." His voice was small and wanted everything to be ok, like it always is. Just take take take.

And everyone looking at you like "just hold on a little longer," like I know my brother is troubled but I am so glad you're there for him. And it is a rock crushing down on me. And that first night I was thinking, "I could be a cop now!" and the walls around me revealed themselves, how can I be so willing to give up my deepest wants and desires.

The running shoes I customized had an ID name up the back: My Way. From now on. Just remind me.