Son of a Female Shark

Only recently did I discover that I have lived much of my life guided by the desire to do something that everyone around me would think was cool, or exciting, or elite. Nevermind the tendency of this timid girl toward that which is comfortable, gentle, safe. I have always thought it right to rebel against what I perceive as my nature; everyone else talks about themself, about their life, why must I feel so clumsy at it? Everyone else chases an idea of greatness and of fame and of success, and therefore so should I. Practice is what I need, that's all! But I never stopped feeling clumsy. And I think I have never really taken the time or allowed myself to acknowledge what I honestly want in life. A flashy display of lights and sirens does seem the most divergent path I could have taken up, given my proclivity for subtlety and disdain for the spotlight. She was missing a piece. And so she set off in search of the missing piece. But he never said anything about the dimension of the whole thing, about how hard it is to discern the one from the other and how you have to roll around with the thing for awhile and it's only after the blister starts to form that you can really know and by then you just look like a damn fool. Seriously, I find it hysterical at times, at age 32, to have all the trappings of success that I had pictured would be there house car man [I cannot make light of this last point, I think at times it to be my only real success, to have attracted a man so absolutely and unconditionally wonderful and devoted] and but to feel so precisely distant from the feeling that I thought would go along.

And I suppose the lesson is that you can really just be absolutely falling apart at the seams at any given point, and you can be totally alone in that feeling and unable to express just how far you really are from where you thought you'd be, at this point on the mountain. The gin helps but I am afraid that I alienate myself. It's really not what I wanted it to be, so far. Why is it so hard to say that out loud and why is it so hard to figure out what to do with the realization? I am terrible at decision making. My innocence would make me weep! By being too kind I have wasted my life.