Kubi Ukungalaleli
She said,
Go to West Africa, they will see you as queens. You will be
royalty there, twins,
It was my first semester in an uncharted land.
And she had no idea about the events leading up to that
point, the cornbread and peppers and beans and the story of how you begin to
remember, how badly I wanted it,
I think it probably was a dream for me longer than perhaps
necessary; still.
There you will be
treated as queens, we went out west and I said remember this as how it should be.
And what route? You make a decision and ten years fall in line, it is such a
great fallacy of youth that you have time to figure everything out. You just make
decisions and they whittle you to who you are, for better or worse. You sit with others and they say
“what was that word you just said,” and you look at them as if in jest and the
other says, “recidivism?” and offers a definition and it is a legitimate query
and all of a sudden in your small corner of the world you’re so very
alone. You retreat back to your corner. I
remember the lentil soup my last quarter at OU and being alone and so
incredibly content. That is a memory that stands out. Alone in the world. Alone in the world and so incredibly OK with
it. My roommate had long since moved out (does she know this story?) and I’d
figured out how to bootleg old movies no one really wanted to see. There was a
shop around the corner that sold Nat Shermans and life was remarkably solitary
and OK. I’d tried to explain the story of my discontent with Vegas to the one
who got so drunk she couldn’t talk and it became impossible. I hated myself by
the end of it. Sometimes you just want to be normal.
But before, in another life, the cigarettes there were
multicolored and we’d sit on the kitchen floor and smoke. Her mom didn’t care
at all, we’d collect our contraband liquor and sip it out of the containers we
had available to us. Mason jars and Tupperware. The world seemed totally open
and possible. Then you grow up and
realize that there’s not an overlap. She’s there, drinking coffee diluted with
sweetened condensed milk on the apartment floor (has it ever tasted as good?)
not knowing that the world is so cutting and closed and there are stadiums of
people wearing team colors and having no actual idea why. Sometimes I think there's not enough gin in the world, or my liver needs to understand.
There has to be a way to bridge the gap. Life was way too
important and fleeting back then, and too rote now. There is magic in this
experience. We, for some reason, are programmed to forget it. And it’s so
fleeting, isn’t it? We’re so fucking bullheaded about it, as though we have it
all figured out, as though we have all the answers. It’s really scary when your
mentors start to pass on. I remember when Bubba died, dad talking about
generational shifts and it never being comfortable, it just becomes reality.
Did you ever think you’d be the oldest generation? He also said that feeling of
not feeling like an adult doesn’t go away. The five year old on the bicycle and
I want to die before you. My heart weeps for how fleeting it all is. Shouldn’t
we be excellent to each other? It’s all done so God damn quickly.
RIP Rob Smurr.
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