One Hundred Per-Cent, My Babies!

"What are your insecurities," he asked me so point-blankly. I blinked a few times; every thought that had been in my mind scurried away at once, out the door in the back. A pin dropped and I saw so many irridescent eyeballs staring back at me from the dark spots. I continue with the task of pointing them out and calling them by name; this is hard work. But necessary. Conversation is at times so focused, pointed, straight forward like a meat cleaver cutting away the excess. Sometimes I feel like a top, on my head, spinning.

This is something that I have been thinking about almost unceasingly lately. At times I feel like a stranger in even my own mind. Fears lately more than anything, I feel my mind spreading out its reign in the foolish attempt to control that which it will never be able to. Are you going to be around what is your father thinking about two nights ago what is my father thinking about all of this in general why do i seek these approvals anyway, shhhh. Brains like conflict. I think of the cycles we fall into; forty-hour work weeks, sedation on the weekends and evenings, tv humming, commercials, consumerism. During the car ride home Pat asks, "do you suppose that most people eat meals so lacking in nutrients on a daily basis?" At times I feel absolutely crazy.

I think of my first psychology professor at OU. "My thesis was based on the hypothesis that most people have much more depth than they are willing to show."

I am having so many doubts lately. Trying to figure out the balance between the selfishness that will keep me sane in this culture, and the humility that will keep me compassionate. Hard, hard, hard.