All Bedazzled.
It's amazing because it's been so long since I felt that I needed to hide something from them. Sequester information away. I don't remember when all of this changed, what the catalyst was, but the honesty feels so liberating and wonderful. So glad to be sharing a home with two people who take what I say at face value. Who don't hoarde it away only to do research later and come to their own conclusions about the person "underneath." Lately there is no person underneath. Cannot even describe how freeing this feels. This is me, this is emily, what do you want to know...? Feeling quite lucky indeed. Would otherwise be going crazy today. My A-Team.
Mom and dad, I am learning as I go. Not one of us is perfect. Perfect is one of those words that will have you chasing your tail in a mental hospital somewhere! Life is about making mistakes and being stupid and flailing around but coming to logical conclusions about things. Stop being so contextual. Paxil is a narcotic. Bud Light is a narcotic. Your best friend has done prison time. We all make our own choices. We are only as bound to the person we were yesterday as we choose to be. I am sad and disappointed and slightly bruised because I wonder if there exists any respect for my decision making process at all. I'm going to live the life that makes me happy. Not the life that looks cookie cutter big happy thanksgiving turkey family front page of the church bulletin when everybody in those scenarios is always doped up and falsely tranquil anyway. Trying to hold off on the stinging judgments but there is this latent anger under the surface that slips away like a guppy when I try to pull it out of the river.
Trust me, trust me. I am not done making mistakes. (I'm not dead.) But I can no longer pretend that I don't understand what it means to be a human being, that beautiful desire for compassion and acceptance. I am giving it as much as I can. I have found someone in the world who sees the convulsive beauty, with whom I really fit, Jesus, this feeling... an open and honest channel of communication. It is absolutely a new experience, and very very strange when I think about it. What do we have, if not a base of understanding, compassion and the ability to communicate?! Please, please, let me get through.
Mom and dad, I am learning as I go. Not one of us is perfect. Perfect is one of those words that will have you chasing your tail in a mental hospital somewhere! Life is about making mistakes and being stupid and flailing around but coming to logical conclusions about things. Stop being so contextual. Paxil is a narcotic. Bud Light is a narcotic. Your best friend has done prison time. We all make our own choices. We are only as bound to the person we were yesterday as we choose to be. I am sad and disappointed and slightly bruised because I wonder if there exists any respect for my decision making process at all. I'm going to live the life that makes me happy. Not the life that looks cookie cutter big happy thanksgiving turkey family front page of the church bulletin when everybody in those scenarios is always doped up and falsely tranquil anyway. Trying to hold off on the stinging judgments but there is this latent anger under the surface that slips away like a guppy when I try to pull it out of the river.
Trust me, trust me. I am not done making mistakes. (I'm not dead.) But I can no longer pretend that I don't understand what it means to be a human being, that beautiful desire for compassion and acceptance. I am giving it as much as I can. I have found someone in the world who sees the convulsive beauty, with whom I really fit, Jesus, this feeling... an open and honest channel of communication. It is absolutely a new experience, and very very strange when I think about it. What do we have, if not a base of understanding, compassion and the ability to communicate?! Please, please, let me get through.
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