Wshew.
A dark day today, silent turbulence, a battering ram of emotion trying to tear down the fortress that my tear ducts have turned into. He asks me what's going on in my brain and I make no reply, when did I become so deathly frightened of crying?
The photo shoot last night went well but I got some news that changes everything. The woman who has been telling me, since September, that she's retiring this month, has apparently decided to wait until June. She has picked me to replace her, but holy shit, does she expect me to wait until June? The news didn't even come from the woman herself, it came third party. Now, I had budgeted and planned, since September, to be working full-time again by January. I have been under budget and pleased with myself until last night. Here's my question, why the hell don't people actually ever retire anymore?
Stress. Bills in a stack on my desk. Bank balances stable. For the time being. What are my options? So this morning I perused the internet classifieds and was immediately plunged into a dark cold well of despair. Lights off in an unfamiliar room and the switch is on the other end. Perspective Em, remember the cold and sleepless winter nights. Weakness, or strength?
Substitute teaching. A thick layer of armor sheathing my very skin.
I went to the library and borrowed a couple of books on the legalities of small business ownership. I designed and printed a new poster that highlights everything, not just headshots. I printed a shitload of 1/4 page flyers for the con, with this month's headshot special. Need to drum up some business. I don't think my mass email made it past the spam filter at OC.
The prints from last weekend's event came today, there were only three problems which was fewer than I had expected. After the cost of prints and the charity donation (we did the gig as a benefit for strays) we made $600. Thoughts in every direction. If only we had a storefront, if only if only... it's been Rancid on the big speakers all day today. I can taste it, and that's what makes it smart so.
This idea just popped into my head and I want to write it down so I don't forget. Tomorrow: find out if there's a phone number for the new salon. I want to contact the owner about doing some type of makeover event. We could do "before" and "after" shots. The before being snapshots and the after being real portraits. Of course the salon people would do the in between stuff, but we could set up there to keep the costs low and crank them out like we did last weekend. We could sell the portraits to the clients obviously, but the salon owner could buy prints too, at slightly more than cost, to advertise her skillz. Take... headshot portfolio.
I think I will get that skull and crossbones tattoo. Ramen noodles and occasional bill stress is three thousand times better than a life of purposeless and continual disappointment. Think of Ann Fuller.
This link is for ajax because I want her honest reaction.
www.oberlin.net/~emilygrace/dovin.htm
The photo shoot last night went well but I got some news that changes everything. The woman who has been telling me, since September, that she's retiring this month, has apparently decided to wait until June. She has picked me to replace her, but holy shit, does she expect me to wait until June? The news didn't even come from the woman herself, it came third party. Now, I had budgeted and planned, since September, to be working full-time again by January. I have been under budget and pleased with myself until last night. Here's my question, why the hell don't people actually ever retire anymore?
Stress. Bills in a stack on my desk. Bank balances stable. For the time being. What are my options? So this morning I perused the internet classifieds and was immediately plunged into a dark cold well of despair. Lights off in an unfamiliar room and the switch is on the other end. Perspective Em, remember the cold and sleepless winter nights. Weakness, or strength?
Substitute teaching. A thick layer of armor sheathing my very skin.
I went to the library and borrowed a couple of books on the legalities of small business ownership. I designed and printed a new poster that highlights everything, not just headshots. I printed a shitload of 1/4 page flyers for the con, with this month's headshot special. Need to drum up some business. I don't think my mass email made it past the spam filter at OC.
The prints from last weekend's event came today, there were only three problems which was fewer than I had expected. After the cost of prints and the charity donation (we did the gig as a benefit for strays) we made $600. Thoughts in every direction. If only we had a storefront, if only if only... it's been Rancid on the big speakers all day today. I can taste it, and that's what makes it smart so.
This idea just popped into my head and I want to write it down so I don't forget. Tomorrow: find out if there's a phone number for the new salon. I want to contact the owner about doing some type of makeover event. We could do "before" and "after" shots. The before being snapshots and the after being real portraits. Of course the salon people would do the in between stuff, but we could set up there to keep the costs low and crank them out like we did last weekend. We could sell the portraits to the clients obviously, but the salon owner could buy prints too, at slightly more than cost, to advertise her skillz. Take... headshot portfolio.
I think I will get that skull and crossbones tattoo. Ramen noodles and occasional bill stress is three thousand times better than a life of purposeless and continual disappointment. Think of Ann Fuller.
This link is for ajax because I want her honest reaction.
www.oberlin.net/~emilygrace/dovin.htm
3 Comments:
At 10:21 AM,
porfiry said…
It seriously took me like twelve minutes to load that page. :) I like; three, four, six, nine, ten and fourteen. I like the color versions better than the black and whites. They're really good! It's crazy because in some of the photos you can see the insecurity hidden behind the eyes. It makes me sad. She's so pretty... and anyway, it doesn't really matter, does it?
I'm sorry you were having such a shit day. I called you to invite you for french toast this morning, when you didn't call back I was convinced that you were dead. Which of course meant that my life was over. Which got me thinking about the frivolity of life. How we spend (squander) it. It is like that Hemingway quote, it really is. The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break, it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure that it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry.
If we are to be broken, let us make the fracture loud and painful and memorable. None of these hairline cracks that plague you silently for all of your long days. (Ann Fuller) You and I, we can be like Josey Wales, when it gets ugly we'll get mean and mean like you don't get often in your life. Let the sadness and despair turn into hate and anger and then into action. Sharp, cold, precise, action.
And also. I have plenty of money that you can have and don't say, "no, no, I can't take your money" because I won't let you suffer alone. (Of course I'll be charging you a profitable interest. What the feck do I look like? :) And also, if L.T. ever calls me about that secretary job, it's yours. It ends in June, which sounds like it would work out for you. And also, subbing is pretty bad, but the money is okay, and I've found that it has made my writing much better. I go to the schools like a Roman Soldier, and they can never touch me, it's like this glorious game which makes my free time that much sweeter.
Why are we in this town if not for family? And all of us are here for you, down to the smallest and least rich. 'Cause you know she'd give you her bubble-gum if you needed it.
Also, I was thinking, you should make some kind of marketable "Grace Photography" graphic and put it onto some t-shirts with your transfers. I know of at least four people who'd wear 'em around town.
At 12:17 PM,
bava said…
Hell, I'd wear one around Olympia! Though that might not help too much with the practical side of the business.
In other news, I gave Jon Brogger your email address. Did he email you yet? His email is drbrogger@hotmail.com, if you want to preemptive strike. :)
I hope you're doing well. I'm sending lots of happy thoughts your way, as is Crookshanx (if only because I said you would give him coffee for doing so).
At 1:39 PM,
bava said…
I sent your chrixmas present today, but the dude was like, "It may not get there until NEXT YEAR", and made it sound like that was a long, long time away. And it's weird that it's not, you know, and lord do I need some more coffee ...
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