God Save The Queen

I think I'm in love with Sid Vicious.

Life isn't fair, and no one said it would be, and stop your bellyaching won't you, you haven't got it so bad. Sometimes there is just no space to fit into. The pigeon hole where you would belong was never carved out. What'll you do, you'll be an alcoholic, or a junkie, or die young, if you can't deal with it. Or you'll create your own world to live in. It's hard to exist that way, I think, for any extended period of time. Unless you're Trent Reznor. What am I even talking about.

Just tired I guess, of the thought of simply existing. Consumption being the defining quality. "Hey, look at this stuff I got, this is what/who I am." I am this bitter most of the time, but I stuff it down someplace. I just can't fathom how life, human life, could have evolved to the state that it's in now. Work, shop, sleep, eat. Repeat. I think we aren't given enough time as kids to cultivate an interest in anything outside of the norm. We are packed so full of fear that we can scarcely breathe.

"If you don't go to school, you're going to die. How will you ever get a job if you don't go to school?"

"If you don't get a full time job, you're going to die. How will you feed yourself without a full time job?"

There is this weight crushing down on me and I have no idea how to get it off. I wish I could afford to rent a retail space for a couple of months. I see so much possibility in the abstract, but no tangible way to make it happen. They wanted $1200 a month for the Green Iguana space! Yesterday over lunch he asked me, "what are you afraid of?" Without thinking I replied, "falling into a miserable situation and seeing no way out." I have to coach myself into the next step. These past three months have been blissful, but I have to realize that it can't last forever. At least not yet. Trust in my track record of stepping up out of the wrong course of action in the past. Forward, forward.