Pictures Of You
My spirit vascillates from feeling utterly shattered to feeling excited at the prospect of really starting anew. I'm trying to be honest with myself and instead of just putting the pain aside and pretending like I can simply harden my heart, I'm going to try to work through it. I don't know what's in store. I'm still no better at making big life decisions than I ever was, but I feel as though I have the clarity and strength now to make the decisions based on what's best for me. Epic.
I haven't gotten past my relationship with Ryan. I guess that's not totally outrageous, considering that we would be celebrating our three year anniversary this June. There is so much awful, painful loneliness down that road. And it all went downhill so stupidly, I can't wrap my brain around it. Every time we would try to start again, it would explode and all the emotions I wasn't dealing with would come back ten times stronger. So much crying and wondering and not knowing, and not dealing with it. All I wanted was to be important to him, to hear him tell me that I was important, to be important enough for us to live a healthy life together. I think it's still what I want. The failure at times is overwhelming. There is a big hole right in my center, gaping valley that sucks the wind down into it, and it whispers to me when I'm vulnerable, "you weren't worth it." I haven't figured out how to face down that valley, how to fill the hole. In my heart, deep within it, I still feel that we were made for each other. I haven't figured out how to tackle that feeling. How to move past.
I tried last night, in my search to understand the recent past, to re-ground myself, to talk to Rob and get his opinion on what passed between us. His claddaugh ring was turned back upside down and his face looked sad, and I couldn't muster up a single emotion. I felt nothing. I felt nothing most of the time that Rob and I poked at what was supposed to be a relationship. That hole in my center wanted so desperately to be received by arms that would hold me and tell me that I did matter. That there was someone out there who really was willing to love me enough to make it work. But it didn't. It wasn't him I was in love with at all, but the idea of being loved. Of being needed and valued. It's a pretty low moment when you come to that realization.
I will try to pick up the pieces. The most powerful tool I have against that hole is myself. I will try, day by day, to be stronger for myself. To be more of an optomist about myself. Somewhere in me there is a piece that truley believes that I'm awesome. Gotta grab onto it.
Through the hill.
I haven't gotten past my relationship with Ryan. I guess that's not totally outrageous, considering that we would be celebrating our three year anniversary this June. There is so much awful, painful loneliness down that road. And it all went downhill so stupidly, I can't wrap my brain around it. Every time we would try to start again, it would explode and all the emotions I wasn't dealing with would come back ten times stronger. So much crying and wondering and not knowing, and not dealing with it. All I wanted was to be important to him, to hear him tell me that I was important, to be important enough for us to live a healthy life together. I think it's still what I want. The failure at times is overwhelming. There is a big hole right in my center, gaping valley that sucks the wind down into it, and it whispers to me when I'm vulnerable, "you weren't worth it." I haven't figured out how to face down that valley, how to fill the hole. In my heart, deep within it, I still feel that we were made for each other. I haven't figured out how to tackle that feeling. How to move past.
I tried last night, in my search to understand the recent past, to re-ground myself, to talk to Rob and get his opinion on what passed between us. His claddaugh ring was turned back upside down and his face looked sad, and I couldn't muster up a single emotion. I felt nothing. I felt nothing most of the time that Rob and I poked at what was supposed to be a relationship. That hole in my center wanted so desperately to be received by arms that would hold me and tell me that I did matter. That there was someone out there who really was willing to love me enough to make it work. But it didn't. It wasn't him I was in love with at all, but the idea of being loved. Of being needed and valued. It's a pretty low moment when you come to that realization.
I will try to pick up the pieces. The most powerful tool I have against that hole is myself. I will try, day by day, to be stronger for myself. To be more of an optomist about myself. Somewhere in me there is a piece that truley believes that I'm awesome. Gotta grab onto it.
Through the hill.
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