Ryan.
That thing like some great hunger-sadness, when it takes over there is no retreat in the mind from it, I can scarcely imagine a time when the body wasn't consumed with this great seeking longing downgoing, it was all my fault to set myself up this way. Sometimes I think maybe because there was no clean break I will forever be trying to create one. To understand. This control mechanism, this absolute need to make all of this happen on my own terms. And the sinking feeling when it's over and the person is just humoring you at that point and how you can feel that, how you know a returned phone call is nowhere near as important to them as it is to you, how you're not even within the same universe. That nearly immobile sadness that makes you want to go in everywhere, and as soon as you get there you want to leave, you can't be alone but you can't stand to be around anyone. I should have learned before, about the crucible, about the heartbreak, about how it is simply not possible to relate to/understand some people. Some of them are just crazies and you will never get into that head. Fully. Sunglasses on a Friday evening watching television disconnected a million miles away.
It happened this time like ten thousand thunderous sad quiet beautiful hurricanes.
Olympia -- that was four years ago, idiot argument in the room they got us, stuck in that place and the hollowest hollow you have ever known in all your life, like actually really being alone, 26 years old and this is the first time ever. Not knowing that razor sadness could run so deep all the way to the core. I went to priest point park on final rites and there is some layer of crust over my heart that developed there that I have never quite yet fully excoriated. And the whole thing was over me drinking too much beer at dinner and falling asleep early, sleep sleep always the damn issue of sleep and to this day I am self conscious about going to bed early. Two and a half years later at your parent's breakfast table my father stood there with me and you signed the papers sunglasses saturday morning and you did not even utter one word or look up, we left and you were off to fuck some girl in freemont who probably stayed up all night with you.
And scabs you pick at take forever to heal. Like trying to replay the choose your own adventure novel til you get to the ending that doesn't make you feel like all of it was for nothing. It is the innocence I would cast off, the naivete. I wish I had been born the son of a female shark.
It happened this time like ten thousand thunderous sad quiet beautiful hurricanes.
Olympia -- that was four years ago, idiot argument in the room they got us, stuck in that place and the hollowest hollow you have ever known in all your life, like actually really being alone, 26 years old and this is the first time ever. Not knowing that razor sadness could run so deep all the way to the core. I went to priest point park on final rites and there is some layer of crust over my heart that developed there that I have never quite yet fully excoriated. And the whole thing was over me drinking too much beer at dinner and falling asleep early, sleep sleep always the damn issue of sleep and to this day I am self conscious about going to bed early. Two and a half years later at your parent's breakfast table my father stood there with me and you signed the papers sunglasses saturday morning and you did not even utter one word or look up, we left and you were off to fuck some girl in freemont who probably stayed up all night with you.
And scabs you pick at take forever to heal. Like trying to replay the choose your own adventure novel til you get to the ending that doesn't make you feel like all of it was for nothing. It is the innocence I would cast off, the naivete. I wish I had been born the son of a female shark.
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