7PM
And I suppose that it's ridiculous to think anyone else lives by a code like that. To actually stand for something. Things were getting good. Well, they were getting ok. A thing that quite easily I could live with. And then ten interviews later and you've narrowed it down to three and the head administrator says, "well we need something other than a white face and even though we all know he interviewed horribly we have to invite him back for the second round to throw some color in there," and then when he may be the one to get the job and it's all so surreal.
This small corner of the world. To think that it is so much bigger than that. But the satisfaction, in the realization.
He comes in everyday to work on his online classes, he has 12 of them to finish up before he can graduate. A tall order. Brought on by himself for the years of fun and skipping within the CMSD. I always end up with the misfits and despite it all I always end up absolutely loving them and mortgaging my house for them (hyperbole obviously) and I regret nothing. They give me as much as I give them. There is this thing about life and how really it can be only carried out on the smallest most infintessimal level. The lives you touch, that is what lasts. Like a game of minesweeper and you can make the greatest change upon the things closest to you and if you get too focused on the end game, that's when you blow everything up. He was sitting there, doing his work at the computer and there were the three or four other kids who are always there, my band of misfits, and they were looking at the old yearbooks like they always do. One had a copy from 1994 and they found my freshman year picture and as much of a hard ass as I am I felt the blood rush to my cheeks when they showed to me the photograph of the awkward girl right next to the twin that she always compared herself to (still does.) So abruptly she switched the focus to something else and geez I've got to make copies, and but when I came back into the office without the inflamed red cheeks he was holding that very yearbook though he wasn't a part of the conversation, and he knew I had most likely caught him and when my back was turned he quickly got rid of it and that was that and it was the singularly most absolutely endearing thing of the entire year. I have got such a blessed life.
We were at the Crushers game, and there was a girl probably Aimee's age sitting right behind us with her dad. With her dad who seemed to maybe not have the greatest parental sense but who was trying really hard which made me think it was probably a visit type situation and they both seemed to be trying so hard. What would that be like? Your dad in a shitty apartment having first dates at Applebee's? I think I would be a very different person. So it was a cold night and though I had a hoodie I made him walk with me (after the giant beer) to the fan attic and we got two blankets and we got back to our seats and obviously one of them was for her because she had on the uniform of a 14 year old (it was far too cold for that) and she was trying to have fun through the shivers and if you can do something about the shivers what kind of person are you to not do something about it? But people are so strange about that kind of thing so I told her that I had a buy one get one free ticket and she was so much more grateful than it was worth than I could say you're welcome for.
Would you believe me, if I told you of the other side of it? At school they call me the saint, but I am so much closer to a sinner. It is this little minesweeper game, and I am convinced, I know, that we all play it. But our intentions. You can't choose what stays and what fades away...
But so this interview and how next year we, it seems, will most likely end up with someone wholly unqualified for the position and but for their skin color would be wherever someone that unqualified and narcissistic ends up and it tears my heart. And Dan. What would it be like without Dan? I think that things get easier to weigh (in the grand scheme of things) when you are so happy and in love and one of the two of you makes six figures. In a very strong way it's so sickening the pull that money has on our lives, on our happiness. I remember when a single cala lilly growing in the backyard on Division Street was enough for a celebration. I am not so different as I was back then! You have to adapt. Or you will be overcome. The smell of woodsmoke at night and my father's laughter, you just have to remember the things that matter. And how small and volatile that game of minesweeper really is. And how little control, in the end.
This small corner of the world. To think that it is so much bigger than that. But the satisfaction, in the realization.
He comes in everyday to work on his online classes, he has 12 of them to finish up before he can graduate. A tall order. Brought on by himself for the years of fun and skipping within the CMSD. I always end up with the misfits and despite it all I always end up absolutely loving them and mortgaging my house for them (hyperbole obviously) and I regret nothing. They give me as much as I give them. There is this thing about life and how really it can be only carried out on the smallest most infintessimal level. The lives you touch, that is what lasts. Like a game of minesweeper and you can make the greatest change upon the things closest to you and if you get too focused on the end game, that's when you blow everything up. He was sitting there, doing his work at the computer and there were the three or four other kids who are always there, my band of misfits, and they were looking at the old yearbooks like they always do. One had a copy from 1994 and they found my freshman year picture and as much of a hard ass as I am I felt the blood rush to my cheeks when they showed to me the photograph of the awkward girl right next to the twin that she always compared herself to (still does.) So abruptly she switched the focus to something else and geez I've got to make copies, and but when I came back into the office without the inflamed red cheeks he was holding that very yearbook though he wasn't a part of the conversation, and he knew I had most likely caught him and when my back was turned he quickly got rid of it and that was that and it was the singularly most absolutely endearing thing of the entire year. I have got such a blessed life.
We were at the Crushers game, and there was a girl probably Aimee's age sitting right behind us with her dad. With her dad who seemed to maybe not have the greatest parental sense but who was trying really hard which made me think it was probably a visit type situation and they both seemed to be trying so hard. What would that be like? Your dad in a shitty apartment having first dates at Applebee's? I think I would be a very different person. So it was a cold night and though I had a hoodie I made him walk with me (after the giant beer) to the fan attic and we got two blankets and we got back to our seats and obviously one of them was for her because she had on the uniform of a 14 year old (it was far too cold for that) and she was trying to have fun through the shivers and if you can do something about the shivers what kind of person are you to not do something about it? But people are so strange about that kind of thing so I told her that I had a buy one get one free ticket and she was so much more grateful than it was worth than I could say you're welcome for.
Would you believe me, if I told you of the other side of it? At school they call me the saint, but I am so much closer to a sinner. It is this little minesweeper game, and I am convinced, I know, that we all play it. But our intentions. You can't choose what stays and what fades away...
But so this interview and how next year we, it seems, will most likely end up with someone wholly unqualified for the position and but for their skin color would be wherever someone that unqualified and narcissistic ends up and it tears my heart. And Dan. What would it be like without Dan? I think that things get easier to weigh (in the grand scheme of things) when you are so happy and in love and one of the two of you makes six figures. In a very strong way it's so sickening the pull that money has on our lives, on our happiness. I remember when a single cala lilly growing in the backyard on Division Street was enough for a celebration. I am not so different as I was back then! You have to adapt. Or you will be overcome. The smell of woodsmoke at night and my father's laughter, you just have to remember the things that matter. And how small and volatile that game of minesweeper really is. And how little control, in the end.
