133

Sometimes I forget. It's easy to do, it's far too easy. Fear sinking its razor talons into my back like the old familiar downgoing pin-prick of a junky's needle, the only familiar thing is ugly and awful but sickeningly comforting in its familiarity. "I know your life." I was looking at my bank statement today and thinking about IRAs and the interest rate on my CD and buying this house, and a panicked surge in my solar plexus like facing the radiating ferocity of a thousand hungry lions when it dawned on me,

You're 28 now! It is the first time in my life that I have felt panicked about the number associated with my time on earth.

I never thought I would be susceptible to that line of thought! I think it affects me so much because I'm not satisfied with what I'm doing. The thoughts in my head have been getting worse lately, a spiraling miasma that wants me to forget anything that I've been successful at and focus only on the perceived shortcomings, I have no idea why my brain plays this game with me. I size myself up to nearly everyone, even if I have no notion of who the person is really, if they're happy, if they have lots of money but hate their existence, etc. It all hinges around yearly income, too. You would think I would learn. At different points in my life I have felt:
1. Thin enough
2. Like I had a job title worthy of pride
3. Like I was financially well-off
4. Like I was loved
5. Like I had great skin
6. Smart and appreciated
And I had the same overtones of doubt and unsettledness following me like a storm cloud then, too. So hey, Emily: there isn't a magic set of events that will enable you to finally just be secure and happy with every facet of your existence. Clearly all of these things are transitory and therefore aren't worthy of as much brain-space as you give them.

Think about what really matters, and spend less time worrying.

"But man is a frivolous and incongruous creature, and perhaps, like a chess player, loves the process of the game, not the end of it. And who knows (there is no saying with certainty), perhaps the only goal on earth to which mankind is striving lies in this incessant process of attaining, in other words, in life itself, and not in the thing to be attained, which must always be expressed as a formula, as positive as two times two makes four, and such positiveness is not life, gentlemen, but is the beginning of death."

Dropkick Murphys

As soon as the Horrorpops went on I knew that I needed to be in the pit for DKM. The leading lady snapped the first note on her stand-up bass and this huge wave of energy and vigor surged forth fifteen feet to my left, the dead center of the floor area, and I knew I had to get over there. I turned around to Ryan wide-eyed and exclaimed, "I'm going in there!" and he just laughed and smiled.

The Agora doesn't have seats. It doesn't have much, actually, other than a continual supply of beer and a stage. It was seemy, dank, and smelled like old cigarettes. It was the perfect venue to hear the Dropkick Murphys play, and by the time the opening band the Horrorpops came out, it was packed with around 500 swarthy red-cheeked Irish punkers. There was an energy in the air, an excitement that made my breath quick and my feet eager. The Horrorpops were on their last song. I had to move closer!

The crowd was thick, shoulder to shoulder. Everyone was singing along, fists raised into the air, mouths smiling wide. I pushed and squirmed my way forward until I was standing on the edge of the pit. There was heat radiating out, and I had no idea how to jump in. It was a throng of arms and legs and sweaty torsos, it smelled like pure testosterone and adrenaline. As I stood on the side trying to time a leap in, an arm pushed into my back and swoosh! The pit had me. It's hard to describe what it's like. You can't move for yourself, everyone around you decides how you're going to move. It's not a scary experience though. It's something like what I imagine those ropes courses are like. It's a pretty incredible experience, to assign your trust away like that. At one point I got knocked over and immediately there were 8 pairs of arms grabbing me to pull me back to my feet. It was amazing. We danced, stomped, screamed, cheered, pushed, and otherwise burned upwards of 3,000 calories while DKM raged five feet in front of us. I was drenched 3 songs in. It was hot and smelled like strength. We did the Spartan battle cry. It was amazing! They played the Auld Triangle and the guy in front of me turned around and grabbed onto my hand and we stood like that, screaming the lyrics together, free arms raised into the sky as fists hammered the beat into the sweat stained air. The next song was to be the last and he pushed me forward, and one of the bouncers asked me if I wanted to go on stage.

"HELL YEAH!!!" A hoarse voice that I didn't recognize as my own screamed out. The next thing I knew there were two meaty hands under my arms and I was propelled up and forward, on a straight path for the stage. I stood up and there were 20 or so other people around me, I don't think any of us could believe it. I was ecstatic. What an amazing show. Best $22 ever spent!
...
all of my dreams seem to fall by the side
like a discarded thought or the day's fading light
but I know that if I could just see you tonight forever
at times we may fall, like we all tend to do
but I'll reach out and find that I've run into you
your strength is the power that carried me through forever

Your kindness for weakness I never mistook
I worried about you often,
yet you understood that life is so fleeting,
these troubles won't last forever
inspired me truly you did from the start
to not be afraid and to follow my heart
there's a piece of you with me they can't tear apart forever

Forever I'll find you, forever we'll be
Forever your power and strength stays with me
next time you'll be there

Two X's

I was nervous, because of the unknown, but I kept telling myself the maxims and specifically, "nothing happens to anyone that he cannot endure." It was silly to be nervous. Like everything in life there is first a litmus test and you'll either make it or you won't. I am in control of whether or not I make it.

He seemed skeptical at first and said, "so whaddaya wanna be, a police officer?" And I couldn't help but wonder, if he thought that was the reason I was there, didn't it seem odd that we were at a fire station? I had to tell him twice that yes, I wanted some advice on how to become a firefighter. The three stood around and told me stories and it seemed like the longer we talked the more they warmed up to the idea of me actually wanting to do this. I thought about all the time in the gym. You can train your body to do anything, that's the easy part. It's the brain you have to overcome. Finally he gave me the piece of advice that I've been searching out, the one that I really just needed to hear someone put out on the table without any lace or frills to dress it up. "They're going to want you to quit. You'll have to be really tough and not let it get to you. There's some real traditional guys out there. The first three weeks they're going to push you harder so you'll drop out. If you can stick through though, you'll be one of the guys."

And that's the hardest part. They gave me an 80 lb hose bundle to play with and after a few tries I figured out the best way to hoist it up onto my shoulder with one (somewhat) smooth movement. I can do the physical. My body is easy enough to mold. I hope that when it comes down to training, that I can find her reserves of strength within my brain as well, to remember that it's just a game and you get through it. The brain is not so easily tricked as the biceps.

12. Why all the guesswork? You can see what needs to be done. If you can see the road, follow it. Cheerfully, without turning back. If not, hold up and get the best advice you can. If anything gets in the way, forge on ahead, making good use of what you have on hand, sticking to what seems right. (The best goal to achieve, and the one we fall short of when we fail.)

Men of England!

I don't know what to do anymore, I can't fix it. We could be so great for each other, if only...

I don't know when or how everything became so adversarial. When you're just waiting for your turn to be right, you're not listening. Too much. I feel like I'm going in a thousand different directions at a thousand miles per hour, and this is just too much to deal with. I hate how I've stopped caring how it ends up. How can there be love without respect? I can't teach you how to feel satiated; that part you've got to do for yourself.

Why do humans complicate their lives so much? We ought to reduce things to the simplest terms. All this bullshit drama, I hate conflict that exists only for the sake of itself. Blah blah blah. Henry Rollins is looking at me. Weakness, or strength? Life is hard for everyone, not just you. Get over it, move on. What are you trying to accomplish? Winnow your goal down to something tangible, something expressible in a few words, and then go headlong after it.