For Nothing At All.
Hate that damn cop instinct, the one that told me to keep looking. Hate that the first reaction was to find some glaring flaw within myself. Hate that it made me cry, and that I had to hide it, hate that bottomless loneliness. Hate the parallel that I suddenly admitted, the one that made me think "she was so happy..." Hate that I can't figure out a fucking way to talk to you about it, that there's no precident. Hate that there is no one to be in my corner. Hate that it used to be you I thought of that way. Hate that I talked to Orion about you, that I trusted you, that I let my guard down. Hate that more than anything I want my sister and a cigarette, and that those are the two things furthest from the list of what I'll get. Hate that it just hardens me even further. Hate that at this moment I agree with that woman who said that the Y chromosome is really only a broken X. Hate that you can put your arms around me with any amount of honesty. Hate this almost overwhelming desire to do violence. Hate that I'll never understand, the why. Hate the promises we made at the beginning that are now meaningless. Hate that there is such a huge threshold of what I would put up with. Hate that you will never realize what you have. Hate that I will only hurt myself instead of the one who really deserves it. Hate that I know I'm a thousand times smarter than this. Hate that I've forgotten how to tap into that.
My beacon, Myzel, if you please.
My beacon, Myzel, if you please.
2 Comments:
At 12:22 PM,
bava said…
Jann says love is a madness. I'm never sure how negatively she means this, but I do agree with it to some degree. A relationship with a person is like what I assume a relationship with God would be, in that they both require faith. If the faith is broken, the relationship can't continue. And in my opinion, faith is madness. So maybe she's on to something.
All I can say is that there are people around you who love you unconditionally, who believe in you and have seen you "show your quality". Nothing about this situation is due to any failure on your part. If you lose faith in an individual, make sure it's not yourself, and hopefully not humanity or anyone with a "broken X". This can't be broken down to a human nature issue, or a gender issue; it's solely an individual issue, and if you like, I'll help you hide the body.
Sean Bean and I are in your corner, and probably more people than you realize. Euclidus and Neru are there too, Chuck and A&P and Rugby and the entire Shanx family; even Manny, wherever he may be, and the Italian Mafia.
I'm here to talk anytime.
"I became a fabulous opera : I saw that everyone in the world was doomed to happiness."
- A.R.
At 2:59 PM,
porfiry said…
Yes, I agree as well, with all of the above. Like you said yourself, ain't no stock like our stock, kiddo. Truth should never be optional, there shouldn't be hesitation or fear, emotions shouldn't be bastardized.
I, also, will gladly help you hide the body. Hell, I'll even turn it into a body for you, if you fancy.
Last night I was sitting, it was past midnight, and I, also, would have really enjoyed a cigarette. And a visit from you. And perhaps an initiation into the "500" club with a street fight. You can always call. Or break in.
:)
I'm rooting for you. So's my posse of robotic cats.
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