Thanks For That

Came around the corner and there he was, arm around my waist we head down the hall, this is all so wrong. He was too excited and his eyes showed it. Mad because the moment caught him off guard and he couldn't hide it in time. And me too.

If I were a soldier you would know me by stoic face, everything falling around me; stand, wait, rebuild. If you can't hold on.

And I hated it this morning at 7:15 for some reason, I was talking to Sam and we were laughing and that face passed by the window and looked in and I wanted to curse everything, I wanted him to not even stop in but my whole existence, in that moment, hinged upon him doing so. It was ten minutes later so I knew he felt the same. I am far too old to have something sticking in my throat when you come in with that, "so did you get everything done that you needed to," that look that means hunger, you were thinking about it, and I was thinking about it. There are things that you can't act upon but that also you can't change and that face walking past the window in the morning and looking in is too much and not nearly enough. Because there is the glass, always, between us. Has to be that way, sorry, move on.

And by the way,

thank you for
keeping your face hidden,

I can hardly stand the beauty of this world.

Ryan Black and White

He said,

I have heard God's silence like the sun
and sought to change


Now
I'm just going to listen to the silence

till the Silence.

...

I couldn't stop thinking about what she wrote, about the session, and it made me mad enough to want to go too in a show of solidarity like a boston dock worker's union. All knuckles and brass tacks. I was thinking about her during my run today and desired to send any strength I might have that would help, as though I could transfer emotions like I was a thundercat.

A lady told me yesterday that she knew I couldn't answer her question and that she'd have to wait for one of the counselors. She actually looked me in the eye and said that, as if to challenge me. One of the counselors looked at her like she was crazy and told her she had better ask me. She asked me about an obscure house bill and I of course knew the answer because I'm fuckingsmartgoddammit, so I rattled off the answer but with the distinct lack of couth that has underscored my interpersonal relations of late. I hate people, they will damage you. There is no point in being nice to them if they only seek to poison you. Live your life with a ruthless sense of self-preservation. People will seek to cleave you from your dreams and goals because it's scary to be around someone who has a clear idea of what they want from life. Most people don't have that. Most people fear, with a hot passion, that which they don't have/can't understand.

What am I even fucking trying to say? The fact that you were going wanting to hear one thing tells you something. You know what's best for you. Other people are crackpots. Virus et decus. We belong to a Roman Legion. Never forget that, Praetorian, because I am following in your footsteps.

:)