Vomit.

I have never been as low as I am right now. Just remember this, for Gods sake. How it's almost like a dream. How it comes up and hits you, knocks the wind right out of you. And that you really think that you'll wake up any second now and boom, it's all over. And the phone clicks and the last six years are gone, just like that. And in between the sobbing shaking stabbing nothingness it's your voice you hear yelling at Johnny Friendly, "I coulda been a contender, I coulda been..." silence marks frame your desperation because there is absolutely black hole nothingness to fill the void.I will find strength in pain. I will change my ways. I'll know my name as it's called again. Where else can you go, but up? There is strength in that.

The heart is gone so what else is there to fall back on? You're smart enough to figure your way back to sane after this, at least. What I've learned is that amid all of the crazy hard sad painful moonless nights, the joyful and the drunken happy dancing nights and the rest of it, all the rest of it, is life. In those little staccato blip strung together moments. And so I take my gift. And try to go live. Get on with it.