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Sometimes I forget. It's easy to do, it's far too easy. Fear sinking its razor talons into my back like the old familiar downgoing pin-prick of a junky's needle, the only familiar thing is ugly and awful but sickeningly comforting in its familiarity. "I know your life." I was looking at my bank statement today and thinking about IRAs and the interest rate on my CD and buying this house, and a panicked surge in my solar plexus like facing the radiating ferocity of a thousand hungry lions when it dawned on me,
You're 28 now! It is the first time in my life that I have felt panicked about the number associated with my time on earth.
I never thought I would be susceptible to that line of thought! I think it affects me so much because I'm not satisfied with what I'm doing. The thoughts in my head have been getting worse lately, a spiraling miasma that wants me to forget anything that I've been successful at and focus only on the perceived shortcomings, I have no idea why my brain plays this game with me. I size myself up to nearly everyone, even if I have no notion of who the person is really, if they're happy, if they have lots of money but hate their existence, etc. It all hinges around yearly income, too. You would think I would learn. At different points in my life I have felt:
1. Thin enough
2. Like I had a job title worthy of pride
3. Like I was financially well-off
4. Like I was loved
5. Like I had great skin
6. Smart and appreciated
And I had the same overtones of doubt and unsettledness following me like a storm cloud then, too. So hey, Emily: there isn't a magic set of events that will enable you to finally just be secure and happy with every facet of your existence. Clearly all of these things are transitory and therefore aren't worthy of as much brain-space as you give them.
Think about what really matters, and spend less time worrying.
"But man is a frivolous and incongruous creature, and perhaps, like a chess player, loves the process of the game, not the end of it. And who knows (there is no saying with certainty), perhaps the only goal on earth to which mankind is striving lies in this incessant process of attaining, in other words, in life itself, and not in the thing to be attained, which must always be expressed as a formula, as positive as two times two makes four, and such positiveness is not life, gentlemen, but is the beginning of death."
You're 28 now! It is the first time in my life that I have felt panicked about the number associated with my time on earth.
I never thought I would be susceptible to that line of thought! I think it affects me so much because I'm not satisfied with what I'm doing. The thoughts in my head have been getting worse lately, a spiraling miasma that wants me to forget anything that I've been successful at and focus only on the perceived shortcomings, I have no idea why my brain plays this game with me. I size myself up to nearly everyone, even if I have no notion of who the person is really, if they're happy, if they have lots of money but hate their existence, etc. It all hinges around yearly income, too. You would think I would learn. At different points in my life I have felt:
1. Thin enough
2. Like I had a job title worthy of pride
3. Like I was financially well-off
4. Like I was loved
5. Like I had great skin
6. Smart and appreciated
And I had the same overtones of doubt and unsettledness following me like a storm cloud then, too. So hey, Emily: there isn't a magic set of events that will enable you to finally just be secure and happy with every facet of your existence. Clearly all of these things are transitory and therefore aren't worthy of as much brain-space as you give them.
Think about what really matters, and spend less time worrying.
"But man is a frivolous and incongruous creature, and perhaps, like a chess player, loves the process of the game, not the end of it. And who knows (there is no saying with certainty), perhaps the only goal on earth to which mankind is striving lies in this incessant process of attaining, in other words, in life itself, and not in the thing to be attained, which must always be expressed as a formula, as positive as two times two makes four, and such positiveness is not life, gentlemen, but is the beginning of death."
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