Onward, Upward.

A rain soaked October sky, I sit in the cold car and wonder about the shape her breath will take as she makes her way to wherever it is they are to meet. Sometimes when she talks about it you can see a muted tenderness, like a nerve rubbed raw, peeking out from behind the lion fangs. He doesn't understand how she can be so strong, how she can not be devastated by this. Lions have no time to dwell on hopelessness, there is too much good to fight for to waste your time like that. You will either get it or you won't, and if you won't you'll fall by the wayside. Life is hard and cutting. You are either a warrior or you live your life in fear of what may or may not happen.

I can see each footfall and the face etched in granite, my dad's doppelganger, we do what we have to do. She is strong because she has to be. Because she was born to be. I can't believe you would attempt to stand in the way of that. It seems criminal to me, not just how ignominious your requests have been and continue to be, but that you just can't see the greater end to which she aspires. Her name will be repeated for centuries in every circle that she's touched (and will touch) and you could have been a part of that. Sad that you will never understand.

Ad lucem.

Am I Crazy?

What a shitty 24 hours it's been. I think everyone around me is crazy, but I also think that's the first sign of madness, so there you go.

Yesterday the lady at the Board Office emailed me about doing her daughter's senior pictures that afternoon. It was a beautiful day and Ryan has Mondays off, so I was like, "let's do it!" Now, in her final email to me she said,

"I will have my daughter meet me at the office at 4, and we will go to Tappan Square."

That is all she said about location. Now, tell me if it's me, but given that sentence, would you (as the photographer) go to the office, or to the Square? We went to the Square. We stood at a vantage point where we could see the driveway of the office, and I never saw her car leave. So after 20 minutes of waiting, we left. In hindsight, perhaps I should have gone to the office, but I was in a different mindset. I was 100% sure she had intended to meet us at the square, so when they didn't show I figured something must have come up. It happens SO OFTEN when you shoot seniors, which is part of why I hate doing it. Of the shoots we schedule for seniors, 75% actually happen (show up,) and probably 20% are on time. The vast majority of those late are late by 10 minutes or more. I am tired of waiting for everyone else to get with the program!

So we went to the reservoir because the fall colors were really beautiful and we spent about 30 minutes there taking pictures. When we got home there were TWO really angry messages from this woman! "We're at the office, where are you???!!!!" OH MY GOD. Yeah, so that sucked.

THEN I woke up this morning and the new shirt I bought last night had been left on the chair in the living room in a crumpled pile and I had to iron it! How do you take YOUR stuff out of a hanger bag and store it properly away, and then leave the other person's stuff in a wrinkley pile?!?!! Am I the only person who understands the concept of common courtesy?

Ok, then I go downstairs and the front door has been left wide open all night and all of our camera gear is just 5 feet within the door on the bench in the lobby. I have no idea what series of events transpired that resulted in that happening. BUT THEN I get all my stuff and walk around to the driver's side of my car to get in, and the window has been left down. It has been raining all night. I was not the last one to drive the car. At this point, I am in the street audibly swearing. It is 6:55 in the morning. If there had been a little puppy running past, I would have smashed it.

This effing day better get moving on the right track SOON.

If You Read This,

Know that it's intended specifically for you.

"A man's worth is no greater than his ambitions."

What are your ambitions? What is the reason for you continual demanding, picking, poking? I can't wrap my brain around how, a month ago, you were so ready to patch things up and all "you are the most important thing to me" and now somehow you have a stick up your ass about a fucking phone line that you are not even paying for. Listen: I am incredibly angry, and the language may not be appropriate, but these are legitimate questions you must ask yourself. How would you choose to be remembered? Are your actions guided by what you truly deem to be right, or by some sense of needing to have the last word, needing to exercise power and control, needing to have some degree of involvement in a life that you abandoned on July 3, 2007? YOU are the one who got on the plane. She is going through the most stressful thing that she has ever gone through. You will stop adding stress to her life. You will wait to contact her about the divorce, your feelings, money until after she's done with the academy. You will do this because it's the way that honorable people who love each other treat each other. If you choose not to do these things you are far more ignominious than I could have imagined and I will hunt you.

Let me make this one point clear: in Oberlin, everyone born with the last name Jindra wants to see you bleed. You are not safe here; I would not linger. Go to Pittsburgh Friday afternoon and don't come back. It's really the best thing.

Examine your actions and figure out what your main priorities are. You said you wanted to remain friends. Are your actions really in line with that goal? Remove yourself from the overwhelming emotion you feel, if you are capable of doing that. In five years' time will you look back and think this situation was handled with honor? In a way befitting someone who sincerely felt love in their heart, and wanted to remain friends?

We do not get more than one shot at this. Every day in every way you make yourself, you make the world. Do not contact her unless you want to say hi and give a word of support for getting through the academy. Do not try to see her this weekend; leave Friday afternoon and don't return.

House On Colony

The news came this morning that we knew would be coming since springtime, but the prior knowledge somehow didn't soften the blow. I guess I've been guilty of the ostrich reaction, not wanting to have to think about moving somewhere else. As I sit at my desk this morning and think about why that is, I've begun to realize that it's mostly because I fear the reaction from Ryan. He doesn't know how to handle stress and it usually manifests as anger, withdrawal, more stress for me and not-talking.

And I was thinking how a couple weeks ago when I was having a rough time of it at work I finally confided in Lynn that we had had a fight the entire weekend previous and she looked at me and said, "was this your first one?" and I wanted to simultaneously laugh and cry.

Chocolate bars and flowers don't make up for not talking, brooding. Illogic and alcoholism. Fear and loathing. We are bound by the chains forged from the memories we have together, and these chains are fragile. You must continually forge new ones to replace the ones that have grown old and weak. I think about that house on Colony with Anne and it seems like a dream, and then I think, "of course life should be like that." Life is far too short to resign yourself to a situation that is less dream than nightmare.