In The Name Of Truth.

Saint Joseph guide me because my feet are weary.

Saint Patrick hold me up as I walk because my own strength is not up to the task. And on the breastplate he wore:

Christ shield me this day:
Christ with me,
Christ before me,
Christ behind me,
Christ in me,
Christ beneath me,
Christ above me,
Christ on my right,
Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down,
Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every person who thinks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in the ear that hears me

Spartan.

Like a copy of a copy of a copy. He speaks and my breath quickens and I absolutely loathe myself for it. There is no question about intent but it's the history that got you there that makes your heart absolutely sink. Junk sick lakewood dawn and olympia night on bathroom floor, a crust of tar surrounds the heart and the things that poke through are what cleaves the body and makes the half-boy emerge. You entered into a covenant, and that was your choice. There is no way to act other than with honor, but the thoughts are not always so easily persuaded.

He looked at me and said, "so, how was your day?" and there wasn't a trace of mockery or haste, and it made me feel like my life is happening underwater. Like there is no action, just reaction, and somehow I got used to it. A blow dart through my flesh and I was so unprepared for it. And ever since the only thing I can think about is how to keep from going over the thin line that separates support from dependence, help from enabling. When I feel that it's already crossed. We are all adults here. That is what I keep forgetting. There is only one life.

Firsts

Last night I got to ride shotgun in the rescue truck on the way to a huge gas spill call. We ran lights but no sirens, and the Lt's advice piping through the headset covering my ears as we headed to the call filled me with nervous excitement. We pulled up, I was assigned my duty, and we mostly stood around joking with each other while we waited for orders. I stood there in my turn-out gear and I couldn't help but look back at the truck I had just climbed out of. The people driving past kept rubbernecking even though there wasn't anything to see but the three of us standing together in the cold night, lights from the engine flickering off of us like a disco with Turret's. I couldn't shake the feeling that at any moment I could wake from the dream, so I had better tread carefully.

Give It To Me Straight.

Life is pain, this I know in my heart. It's not easy for anyone. It's your choice what you do with that pain -- whether you let it make you prostrate, debilitated, unable to act, or whether you use it to fuel your drive toward something amazing. You could spend your entire life in that nowhere land of self doubt. I have so many dreams and ideas for the future, some that I'm afraid even to think about at times because of all the work it'll take to get there. Focus on the small and changeable things and you'll be 80% of the way there. You only get one shot at this. The mountain may look unclimbable, but what the hell else do you have to do with your time here? Just start. Commit to something. Pretend you're strong enough until you really are. Nobody is going to take you by the hand and lead you there.

I had a dream last night about Anne. We had these pagers and there was this message that came across it that said, "all male swimmers report to the pool for the nude agility contest." I got really panicked and felt very glad in that moment to not be one of the male swimmers, but when I looked at Anne she was packing up her stuff to go to the pool. She looked up at me and said, "fuck that, I'm about to beat them all." Like it didn't matter a) that it was a call for the guys or b) that she would be totally naked! I went to the pool with her and she was doing in-and-outs like a machine and I forget what other events they had, but of course she totally kicked everyone's ass. That's what life is. And that's why I have such a huge amount of respect for her -- because that's how she lives every day. You have to dictate the terms of your own life and to hell with what anyone else will think/do/say. When your actions are driven by your internal sense of strength, duty, and honor, the ones who are worthwhile will stand with you and the idiots who don't deserve your presence will fall by the wayside.

Just remember this. When you really know yourself, you are never alone.

Lazarus.

I had my very first call with the Fire Dept. last night. Turn-outs on and everything.
Every time I go into the station I feel more at home with the guys.
Anne and I are almost finished with the work on our sweet ass home that we OWN!
Ryan will be back from his month in India tomorrow.
It is beautiful Ohio winter.

Life is frigging sweet.

I'm Going To Set You Free

Nobody really gives you any indication of how it all really goes down. You are handed a bare framework that looks like it should be as easy as connect-the-dots, but it rarely, I think, ends up that way. Of course, it's possible that the majority of people find satisfaction filling the various gaps in the framework with the fodder that's mass produced and designed to get them to the next piece, they live their lives, they find happiness. I don't think so, though. At least by my personal calculations, it doesn't work.

I remember nearly four years ago and having the same nagging feeling that has been plaguing me of late; that I had missed some step that would have changed the entire direction. Like I was in the middle of a choose your own adventure story but chose the wrong thing. I was stuck in someone else's future, creating filler that would just make the pages continue without any real advancement of the plot. A midnight train ride and the guy at the station forgets to throw the switch. You have no idea how you got where you are, and little more as to how to get back to where you were going.

I almost started grad school but there was this nagging something that wouldn't let me see it through. More and more I believe that the girl I was in Olympia who was existentialist to the core was the hopelessly naive one of the two of us. I pray at night and I ask the gods for guidance. I ask St. Michael to watch over Anne with a ready sword, and I ask St. Florian to show me safe passage toward what fate has in store. It's not a wanton disregard for my own ability to reason, or a reassignment of responsibility. There is something within that doesn't originate there. That something is where I find the courage to go where my feet are afraid to go. But, I digress.

I try to tell myself to be patient. I try to remember that it was not even a year ago that we both tested at Fairview Park. Not even a year ago and she is already a seasoned veteran with a department that is aces, and I got my second single-digit score with a civil service commission and am starting my career as a firefighter tonight. Sometimes life is the space between wing beats. Each moment I am thankful.

It isn't a full time department, yet. Paid on call is the step right before you make the jump. She had nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I am not the first one to say it:

In May, if you care for me, be sure that I am enrolled in the academy. Actually, check on me April. Tell me "1939" and I'll remember.

Corpus Vigiles

I remember how I first became interested.

It was twice that I had driven by and consciously looked into the huge bay doors. "Why do they keep the driver side doors on the trucks open?" A nagging question. The third time past on my way back home it hit me. Leaving the doors on the trucks open takes a couple seconds off the response time. It's why you leave the zipper to your turnout coat zipped so you can slip it over your head like a sweater. It's why you leave your bunker pants tucked into your boots when you take them all off. All these seconds add up and could mean the difference between life and death. A little light went on inside my spirit and I thought, "to be part of a group of people so noble..." The next week I enrolled in my class with Ed.

I went by today and talked to the Lt. of my shift and I can still hardly believe it. We stood in the garage and it smelled like diesel fuel and leather, tools. "We'll get you through training as soon as we can. We need more people who can respond from a location in Oberlin. We're really excited to have you start."

I feel like I can finally stand next to the rest of my family. I know that they will accept me for anything that I choose in life, but I feel that finally I have tapped into the spirit of duty and service that runs so deep within all of our veins. I thank the gods that I was born a Jindra. Strength, duty, honor. Forever.