I'm Going To Set You Free
Nobody really gives you any indication of how it all really goes down. You are handed a bare framework that looks like it should be as easy as connect-the-dots, but it rarely, I think, ends up that way. Of course, it's possible that the majority of people find satisfaction filling the various gaps in the framework with the fodder that's mass produced and designed to get them to the next piece, they live their lives, they find happiness. I don't think so, though. At least by my personal calculations, it doesn't work.
I remember nearly four years ago and having the same nagging feeling that has been plaguing me of late; that I had missed some step that would have changed the entire direction. Like I was in the middle of a choose your own adventure story but chose the wrong thing. I was stuck in someone else's future, creating filler that would just make the pages continue without any real advancement of the plot. A midnight train ride and the guy at the station forgets to throw the switch. You have no idea how you got where you are, and little more as to how to get back to where you were going.
I almost started grad school but there was this nagging something that wouldn't let me see it through. More and more I believe that the girl I was in Olympia who was existentialist to the core was the hopelessly naive one of the two of us. I pray at night and I ask the gods for guidance. I ask St. Michael to watch over Anne with a ready sword, and I ask St. Florian to show me safe passage toward what fate has in store. It's not a wanton disregard for my own ability to reason, or a reassignment of responsibility. There is something within that doesn't originate there. That something is where I find the courage to go where my feet are afraid to go. But, I digress.
I try to tell myself to be patient. I try to remember that it was not even a year ago that we both tested at Fairview Park. Not even a year ago and she is already a seasoned veteran with a department that is aces, and I got my second single-digit score with a civil service commission and am starting my career as a firefighter tonight. Sometimes life is the space between wing beats. Each moment I am thankful.
It isn't a full time department, yet. Paid on call is the step right before you make the jump. She had nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I am not the first one to say it:
In May, if you care for me, be sure that I am enrolled in the academy. Actually, check on me April. Tell me "1939" and I'll remember.
I remember nearly four years ago and having the same nagging feeling that has been plaguing me of late; that I had missed some step that would have changed the entire direction. Like I was in the middle of a choose your own adventure story but chose the wrong thing. I was stuck in someone else's future, creating filler that would just make the pages continue without any real advancement of the plot. A midnight train ride and the guy at the station forgets to throw the switch. You have no idea how you got where you are, and little more as to how to get back to where you were going.
I almost started grad school but there was this nagging something that wouldn't let me see it through. More and more I believe that the girl I was in Olympia who was existentialist to the core was the hopelessly naive one of the two of us. I pray at night and I ask the gods for guidance. I ask St. Michael to watch over Anne with a ready sword, and I ask St. Florian to show me safe passage toward what fate has in store. It's not a wanton disregard for my own ability to reason, or a reassignment of responsibility. There is something within that doesn't originate there. That something is where I find the courage to go where my feet are afraid to go. But, I digress.
I try to tell myself to be patient. I try to remember that it was not even a year ago that we both tested at Fairview Park. Not even a year ago and she is already a seasoned veteran with a department that is aces, and I got my second single-digit score with a civil service commission and am starting my career as a firefighter tonight. Sometimes life is the space between wing beats. Each moment I am thankful.
It isn't a full time department, yet. Paid on call is the step right before you make the jump. She had nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I am not the first one to say it:
In May, if you care for me, be sure that I am enrolled in the academy. Actually, check on me April. Tell me "1939" and I'll remember.
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