Caught In A Jar
I'm sorry. It echoes around and around in my brain when I'm with you, I have this deep deep sinking downgoing when I look into your eyes because of the hope in the reflected gaze. By being too kind I have made this a million times more difficult, for both of us. And I think about it, why it has become more difficult, and the reasoning makes me angry. When I tell you that it's over, that the hope has gone, it will deflate you and you will grow sullen and think your life is over and make hints at suicide and maybe even try it. And it doesn't even have anything to do with me. You cannot shore up your reserves of strength on something external from you. You cannot seek the structural supports in everything around you and leave yourself weak on the inside. But you don't think logically like that, you're not remembering how the last month we lived together was silent treatment and accusations and you living in the basement [hell.] You just think about the way my hair smells and when we hug you breathe it in, dream about the way that things could be if only you provide enough wanting. And it doesn't even have a thing to do with me. It is the hope that someone besides you can help you figure out how to do this right.
I'm so so sorry. A 130 pound weight on my back. God forgive me. Our present position in life is a direct result of the choices we have made to get us here. Nothing is easy; nothing is easy.
I am sorry for what you're going to have to endure to get yourself to where you want to be. It's a journey that I just simply cannot be a part of. It isn't in me anymore. Something in March died and slowly it has been replaced with something else, something that says four years was enough and making further sacrifices would be foolish on my part. Ryan, I am so sorry. But I can't walk your road with you anymore.
I arise today through a mighty strength
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred . . . let me sow love
Where there is injury . . . pardon
Where there is doubt . . . faith
Where there is despair . . . hope
Where there is darkness . . . light
Where there is sadness . . . joy
I'm so so sorry. A 130 pound weight on my back. God forgive me. Our present position in life is a direct result of the choices we have made to get us here. Nothing is easy; nothing is easy.
I am sorry for what you're going to have to endure to get yourself to where you want to be. It's a journey that I just simply cannot be a part of. It isn't in me anymore. Something in March died and slowly it has been replaced with something else, something that says four years was enough and making further sacrifices would be foolish on my part. Ryan, I am so sorry. But I can't walk your road with you anymore.
I arise today through a mighty strength
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred . . . let me sow love
Where there is injury . . . pardon
Where there is doubt . . . faith
Where there is despair . . . hope
Where there is darkness . . . light
Where there is sadness . . . joy
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