Like Anne Said,
Down but not out.
I feel so beat up, so downtrodden. It's been like this for the last several weeks, and my ability to deflect the negativity is wearing down to nil. Today I feel like Frodo at the foot of Mount Doom, prostrate with exhaustion, tapped, drained.... but not yet beaten. Only, I have no ring of power around my neck, there is no tangible goal at the end of all of this, no great evil that I can throw to a fiery death in the heart of a volcano. It's just this grindstone that I keep pecking away at, despite the sparks that are constantly kicked into my face. O these contrived metaphors, these failings of the mind. These eminent positions of the soul, this society teeming with facts.
I will never be an intellectual equal to her. This is a bitter pill. Difficult to swallow. I've been working under the auspice that if I keep doing a good job here she'll realize. She hasn't realized. She isn't going to realize. I will never be capable enough. Smart enough. Connected enough. Productive enough. I could secure a $500,000 grant, design the code for an entirely new database, revolutionize our bookkeeping system, magically transform her office into something that functions, and still she would complain that I shouldn't have mailed an in-town bill because we need to save the thirty-seven cents. Run over me.
And now it turns out that at the end of December I might not even have a job here. While it smarts, the blow is not crippling because I've begun to realize just how incredibly toxic my relationship with this place is. No, not with this place. With her. She's never going to tell me that I've done something right. She'll never actually be concerned about what my ideas are. She'll never care. Why is that so hard a thing for me to understand? My confidence has suffered so much since I've been here. I find myself beginning to question my ability. Craziness! I just have to think about the praises I received all the time at the Board Office to remember that I can do a good job. God, that's pathetic. I feel sick to my stomach, just thinking about it. What's it all for? Been thinking about making the decision for her. In the form of a letter of resignation.
Anyone hiring?
I feel so beat up, so downtrodden. It's been like this for the last several weeks, and my ability to deflect the negativity is wearing down to nil. Today I feel like Frodo at the foot of Mount Doom, prostrate with exhaustion, tapped, drained.... but not yet beaten. Only, I have no ring of power around my neck, there is no tangible goal at the end of all of this, no great evil that I can throw to a fiery death in the heart of a volcano. It's just this grindstone that I keep pecking away at, despite the sparks that are constantly kicked into my face. O these contrived metaphors, these failings of the mind. These eminent positions of the soul, this society teeming with facts.
I will never be an intellectual equal to her. This is a bitter pill. Difficult to swallow. I've been working under the auspice that if I keep doing a good job here she'll realize. She hasn't realized. She isn't going to realize. I will never be capable enough. Smart enough. Connected enough. Productive enough. I could secure a $500,000 grant, design the code for an entirely new database, revolutionize our bookkeeping system, magically transform her office into something that functions, and still she would complain that I shouldn't have mailed an in-town bill because we need to save the thirty-seven cents. Run over me.
And now it turns out that at the end of December I might not even have a job here. While it smarts, the blow is not crippling because I've begun to realize just how incredibly toxic my relationship with this place is. No, not with this place. With her. She's never going to tell me that I've done something right. She'll never actually be concerned about what my ideas are. She'll never care. Why is that so hard a thing for me to understand? My confidence has suffered so much since I've been here. I find myself beginning to question my ability. Craziness! I just have to think about the praises I received all the time at the Board Office to remember that I can do a good job. God, that's pathetic. I feel sick to my stomach, just thinking about it. What's it all for? Been thinking about making the decision for her. In the form of a letter of resignation.
Anyone hiring?
1 Comments:
At 3:45 PM,
porfiry said…
If you left I would cry, but I'd be able to understand. And you're right, she'll never get it that she's wrong and horrible and inhuman. There is nothing, really, that binds us to anything else. Hopefully at the end of the day, it's our will to do what's good and right that keeps us in our shoes. Not, like her, our fear of death or insignificance.
Let me shrivel up like a plant you don't water, let me fade completely. Just jesus christ, don't let me hang on like a self-important yet pathetic sycophant.
This will suit your talents much better:
www.idealist.org
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