Sima, uh, lacrum.

I am; just that echoing over and over. I am. What you need to remember is that this is enough. This is all that you need! When you can say this, all of the tools are at your disposal.

We will not get into philosophical diversions for now. Not just yet. Brain is screaming.

I am not a slacker because I'm writing this while at work. This work in my brain right now is more important than the United Way grant which will probably only require 3 to 4 afternoons of dedicated attention anyway.

It is hard, opening your life to someone.

And as for now, there are so many negative thought patterns, trained patterns, to do away with, to forge something that is unscripted. I am conscious of it now, and that is a large part of the battle. I am excited mystified and scared. When did this "scared" creep up! Fighting to be honest with myself about things.

It's interesting, the timing.

Just as the pendulum had reached the arc of its swing. Thinking that I would never again feel moved by human emotions. Thinking that I would never again feel captivated by ... but the words are flat and trite. I have no idea how to say what I'm trying to say.

[go within.]

I am so excited about this "something new." My first (and the enduring) thought is that I want you to be in my life for as long as it's possible. So while I am not uncomfortable around you (this has all been so new to me, I have no high water mark!) I think doggedly about being cautious, painstaking, I don't want to do or say something that would make this feeling stop.

Feeling silly, not myself! I realize entirely how ridiculous it is to think that way, but there it is. Quiet your mind and remember. "Your task is to be a good human being. Don't be anxious -- nature controls it all." Today I have been feeling as though I don't know my brain. Like I have a loaner. Too much talking. Distraction. Today. With night comes the quiet, yes? Yes.